PDX Visit Reflections
Caveat: I wrote this initially as a thread in Mastadon
In 2018 I moved to Berlin, Germany from Portland, OR. Moving half way around the world by myself to a city where I knew no one was a difficult event but I did it. It’s a huge accomplishment to tackle a dream like that, especially with a global pandemic in the middle of it. Recently I’ve been in PDX to visit with the people I love and have have deep connections to but don’t seen often enough. It’s been both good and difficult. Here’s my reflection.
I am so happy I brought my folding bike. I don’t have a car here so having a bike has given me the freedom to easily roll around town with my dog. There are very few things that top riding your bike on a summer evening with friends. I was also stoked to see more bike infrastructure in PDX.
Owning a piece of property and managing it from afar without a property manager was like personal-life (tech) debt. When I got into town the property was a mess and no maintenance had been done for 4 years. The tenants took advantage of my compassionate empathetic side and I gave in too much to their requests. This resulted in financial commitments not met and toxic relationships where tenants think I owe them something.
My tenants’ choices are not my responsibility and we made a commitment to each other via the lease. I wish I’d adopted this as a mantra years ago. Dealing with this took away from time I wanted to spend enjoying Portland and my fave people. I underestimated the amount of work I would have to do when I got here and regret many things.
Along with stress of fixing up the property and dealing with the tenants, I lived in the unit while they were moving out and during construction. In the last 3 months I’ve had very few amenities that make life easier (looking at you very dull bread knife) and their absence has really worn me down.
Packing for a three month trip that crossed from summer into deep fall was difficult. I’ve had very few clothes to choose from and no winter coat as the weather got cold. While I’m not a super adventurous dresser, I miss the variety my closet typically provides. I am for sure not a minimalist and can’t imagine living as one full time.
Being back in a place where I can speak the same language as other has been glorious. While I’ve made friends in Berlin, living in a foreign country on my own (during a pandemic) has caused me to retreat a lot. I have loved being able to easily banter with strangers I meet (shout out to tradespeople, who are excellent at banter). It felt like being unshackled.
The “Not Belonging” feeling monster of lurks endlessly in my psyche. I think this feeling causes me to never feel content where I am. I am constantly seeking for a physical place where I might suddenly feel like I belong. Being an immigrant has also strengthened this monster. Unfortunately those feelings don’t just go away by visiting a town with lots of old friends. Being here has helped me see the problem is that it’s an internal me thing. I have so many wonderful people in my life! Of course I belong! We all do! I need to focus on the sources that severed that sense of belonging and figuring out how to see how I already belong wherever I am.
My perfectionism is also putting a strain on my mental and physical health. I’ve been struggling to get direct feedback from those I’m closest to without it feeling like a criticism and that I’m failing them. This isn’t fair to them or me. I can see how poorly I am equipped to celebrate my wins, strengths and quirks and be ok with being a work in progress. I ask a lot of myself and ask for help very rarely.
Setting up systems where I don’t try to be the end-all-be-all is important. Getting help early when the ask is smaller is less stressful. It helps prevent the build up of the personal life debt I mentioned earlier. I don’t need to be doing something the “right way” all the time. Of course, the perfectionism piece interplays strongly with the search to belong.
I love Mexican food and pizza. Maybe a little too much. My my relationship with food, especially while in the US, is dysfunctional. It’s been the perfect storm of eating to socialize and lacking kitchen equipment to cook. I think I’ve eaten out 90% of my non-breakfast meals. Coupled with the size of portions and salty/fatty food, I easily overeat for every meal. I think I have probably gained 20 lbs in 3 months. This causes me extreme anxiety (see aforementioned perfectionism) that keeps me up at night and just doesn’t feel good physically. I’m not sleeping well, my clothes are too tight and my gut is not happy.
So where am I at at the end of the visit? I’m happy to be returning to my creature comforts and larger wardrobe choices. I’m excited to start cooking for myself again. I’m going to miss my family and friends deeply. I’m going to hire a property manager for the times I rent my place out in Berlin. It’s time to go back to therapy.
Guerilla Grazing
For the last 3+ years I’ve had lots of fun exploring Brandenburg, the state surrounding Berlin state. I take my gravel bike and my Westie on a train 1.5 to 2 hours out and roam around. This summer I tried out taking my bike to Slovenia and using trains to get around. It wasn’t ideal and that wasn’t even with the dog in tow. My conclusion was that using trains locally is perfect but beyond that I need more reliable transit. So I just bought a VW Caddy Maxi with plans to convert it to a camper van. I plan to build it out slowly and start by using it like a tent, with my camping stove and sleep system.
I saw this video a couple months ago and I keep thinking about his ingenious ways of keeping his life in a trailer. It’s an interesting watch.
2G
I am now 2G. geimpft. genesen. German for vaccinated and recovered. Yeah, that’s right, I got sick with a breakthrough infection of COVID. At no point did I get scary sick it still wasn’t a good time. Essentially like a 2 week flu, which by itself is pretty hellish. The silver lining is I recovered in time for my first trip back to the USA in two years.
Brickwork
This morning I saw this building post and swooned. I have an obsession with brickwork and the kind of ornamentation a building can have with the material. It always reminds be the story told about the famous architect Louis Kahn.
If you think of Brick, you say to Brick, ‘What do you want, Brick?’ And Brick says to you, ‘I like an Arch.’ And if you say to Brick, ‘Look, arches are expensive, and I can use a concrete lintel over you. What do you think of that, Brick?’ Brick says, ‘I like an Arch.’ And it’s important, you see, that you honor the material that you use. [..] You can only do it if you honor the brick and glorify the brick instead of shortchanging it.
One reason I like this story so much is the emphasis on honoring the material. Being true to its capabilities and form. Bricks are to a building what pixels are to a screen in that each gives a pivot point to construct an image. It also shows the skill of the craftsperson. It’s remarkable to think that almost every surface of our built environment is touched by human hands.
Series of Tubes
My response when a non-tech person talks about how the internet works. Like when my mom felt dumb for not knowing the difference between a browser and a search engine. “It’s just a series of tubes, mom.” Which reminded me of a great link I had seen of all the underwater fiber cables running around the world.
This got me thinking, how big are these tubes? Wikipedia says modern cables are only 25 mm (1 in) in diameter. That just seems bonkers to me.
People Over Cars
A primary reason I moved to Germany is better transit planning. Granted so much of what we benefit from here came from over a century’s worth of work and I believe we still have a ways to go to live in better harmony with the earth. Part of earth first thinking involves prioritizing people over cars. Better sidewalks, bigger, better bike lanes, better runoff management, etc. You can pretty much bet that if it sucks for a human to walk through, it sucks for nature. Here’s a podcast about depaving and a video about sidewalks that came on my radar to make me think more about our urban environment and the way it relates to people and nature.
Trauma
Toxic Work
I recently listened to the Reply All apology about their blindness to their own toxic work culture while reporting on the issues at Bon Appetit. This brought up so many thoughts about the nastiness that lies in not just our work cultures across so many industries, but also across society. Work is both a part of society and a reflection of the power dynamics that happen outside of it.
Being in tech, I hear so often how tech has a problem with sexism, racism, classism, ageism, etc-ism and the ugly power struggles that keep minorities on the fringe. I’ve always cringed when people describe these issues as if they are isolated to the tech industry and how they can’t wait to escape to something else outside of tech. My mind goes “…but where are you going to go where you can escape that shit?”. I’ve worked in a lot of industries and they are all fraught with varying degrees of the same grossness. Architecture. Retail. Automotive service. Foodservice. Construction. Union organizing. Yeah, that’s right, working as a union organizer was both the biggest eye-opener and disappointment (more like heartbreak) when power struggles reared their nasty head.
I see these problems as being rooted in individualistic, competitive, white supremacist capitalism that rewards those with power and punishes those without. The competitive nature of it is rooted in survival and pits people against each other, creating scarcity and environments that reward those that step over others to get up higher. We all must introspect and see how we blindly play into the game. When are we acting only for ourselves and stepping over others to get somewhere or actively pushing them down?
I grew up Presbyterian (Protestant Christian). When I was young I was nerdy, anxious and felt like an outsider everywhere I went. I found solace in the loving teachings of Christ and imagined how it could shape an inclusive community where everyone could be nurtured. However, my heart broke with every self-appointed Christian I met who used their religion as a means to cast judgment on people. It didn’t make sense to me why they would pluck out persecution rather than love from what the Bible had to offer. Eventually, their hypocrisy drove me away from religion altogether. Those early teachings left an imprint on me though. I can see it easily when I reflect on my values.
Such as the Golden Rule. In lew of having all the answers, I try hard to help create the environment I want to see and live in. One where mistakes are considered learning opportunities. Where feedback is encouraged and considered. Where basic needs aren’t questioned and it’s normal to support people in finding the right work-life balance. It should be normal to take care of yourself when your sick rather than powering through it. The healthy environment I want to be in recognizes no two people’s backgrounds are the same and supports a diversity of opinions, race, sexual preference, gender expression, haircuts, clothing preferences, etc. and they are appreciated and seen as people being their authentic selves. I want a place where people help lift each other up when they see someone falling behind, rather than taking advantage of it.
Ode To Transit
Corona lockdown time has meant I walk a lot. I hestitate to even say it as a thing that someone else might read because it’s such a common thing that people are doing to get by. I queue up a podcast or moody music and the pup and I go forward with no destination in sight. It’s both a chore (pup has gotta go) and a necessity for my body and mind.
Yesterday I walked and started listening to an episode of The Daily. It was a reading of an article about the NYC subway and advocating for investing in it’s maintenance. As I listened, I walked past a group of young kids standing behind the rails of a bridge that spans the transit lines in Berlin and felt heartwarmed at their excitement over the S-Bahn traveling under their feet.
I have always loved public transit. It’s liberating to be able to go somewhere without driving or finding parking. I like listening to music, reading, people-watching or just daydreaming. Riding transit relieves some stresses; I don’t have to tend to the maintenance a car, pay for gas or fight traffic. Many years ago, when living in Cincinnati, I would load my bike onto a bus and head to work 8 miles away. After work I would ride home. While the trip took longer than driving it was exhilerating to experience the city in a new way.
The article describes transit as the equalizer in a city. It gives everyone, no matter their position in life, mobility beyond their neighborhood and a chance to expand their world. Now, living in Berlin, I get to utilize the city’s vast array of transit options. The network here is diverse and opens up both all the city has to offer and gives me easy ways to escape into the nature that surrounds Berlin. Transit has shaped my life and given me a connection to place in a way I would have never imagined.
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What I Don't Know
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So, here's what I don't know. Without any answers.
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